to have loved
by Mari Iaceo
Summary: Saena doesn't leave because she hates. She leaves because she loves. Four 200-word ficlets, speculating the actions of a mother. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This website is on crack. The "number of words" I used keeps fluctuating. The first time I saved it here (Yes, without the AN), it said 193. Second time (no changes): 249. Third time (added proper dashes): 244. So, I'm basing it on Word. (Because it's too troublesome to count by hand.) At least its estimates don't change without reason.

_to have loved_

* * *

><p>He doesn't love her.<p>

Saena knows—she has always known, ever since the day she caught him staring at his childhood friend. As if _she_ were the only person in the world.

He would never look at her that way.

His parents love neither him nor her; all they care for, simply, is Saena's dowry. A dowry, large in value, only for the fact that her own parents hate her.

It seems only right then, that she would hate her own child. Simply a matter of continuing family tradition.

Why, then, did she take that bastard's child with her?

His golden eyes are supposed to be—_dead, dead, dead_—filled with hatred for her existence. Not the loving adoration she receives.

Kyoko.

Kyo's child.

She is _him_, yet not him.

Every movement, every smile shows the _him_ who had been with _her_, not Saena.

Saena doesn't know why it—_that small, unidentifiable part of her_—hurt. Saena doesn't know why—_when she ran away to Kyoto, ran away from her_ old _life_—she took the child with her.

_She doesn't love him._ Saena repeats it over and over and over as she cradles Kyoko to sleep. She doesn't love him.


	2. Chapter 2

"Fuwa-san."

The aged, but _disgustingly_ beautiful okami politely turns.

"Yes, Mogami-san?"

Although no change of expression is shown, she can see lines of disapproval in the older woman's pleasant smile. Saena's own lips curve as she replies, "Where is my daughter?"

"Oh, you mean Kyoko—?"

_No, I mean my _other_ six-year-old daughter you twit._

"—she's playing with Shou. So adorable those two are, always _happy_ together. Surely whatever you have to say to her can wait until later…"

"Fuwa-san," she interrupts. "Where is _my_ daughter?"

Briefly, the okami's eyes narrow, and inwardly, Saena smiles at the change in demeanor.

"In the kitchen," the older woman replies before generously offering, "Let me take you to them."

Her thoughts wander as she blindly follows the woman.

_Kyoko better not be doing chores again. _

It has been difficult for the past few years. Many of the townspeople disapprove of her 'single mother' status—even the Fuwas, the only ones willing to lend a hand. _Likely to brainwash _my_ child into becoming their daughter-in-law._

Her thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a shout: "I'll love _only you_ forever, Shou-chan!"

Mogami Saena's world shatters.

* * *

><p>Not even the okami's <em>disgustingly<em> smug smile matters anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

"Kyoko," she calls out. "Come here."

The girl-child flinches at the sharp tone, but obediently steps forward.

Saena traces the contour of her face, _his_ face, before tilting it upward. As she stares into his golden eyes, she coldly speaks, "Love will do nothing for you, child."

"But Shou—"

"No." She grips her daughter's chin tighter. "Listen to me. Work hard. Get into a good school. Graduate. Live your life."

_Do the things I never did._

"Then—then…"

Her hands start shaking. "Mama?"

_You can fall in love._

Never. She would never let her child be used by some man, some undeserving son of a bitch.

Her grip tightens. Kyoko begins biting her lip, trying not to cry out in pain. "Mama?"

Their _love_ would only hurt, especially after she is, inevitably, thrown away.

Saena knows the pain; she recognizes that she once loved. And now all that's left behind is some twisted, bitter feeling of regret. _Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all?_ She laughs and laughs and laughs, _scornfully_, at those romantics.

"Mama?"

With a jolt, Saena becomes aware of her teary-eyed daughter, who grimaces in fear.

Abruptly, she lets go.


	4. Chapter 4

Kyoko goes running to the ryokan—_to that despicable family_—every day, even when Saena has no work.

Each time they are alone together, she yells at Kyoko for not getting a perfect score on her tests, _for focusing on love and Shou and loving Shou._

Why doesn't she understand that love would only hurt her in the end?

Her beautiful child, his pure-hearted daughter should never be tainted by the aftereffects of _love_.

It hurts again—the _small, unidentifiable part of her_, which she is beginning to suspect, is her heart.

Suddenly, the weight of her realization crushes all previous thoughts—Saena _loves _her golden-eyed child, more strongly than the father, more strongly than all the world ever could.

She will be the one who hurts her—no, she already has. _See the way she runs to_ those_ Fuwas, Saena? See the way she runs from you, who loves her? She is soundly taking your advice to heart._

The heart, it hurts. She is poisoning her own child.

Saena knows this now, knows that the child is better off without her love.

Kyoko deserves better, deserves to remain pure. Saena _must_ leave, must leave _now_ while she still can.


End file.
